There is nothing I can leave
that I can’t find again.
Even love can come and go.
I need not clutch a friend.
Mountain, cloud
Lake or tree.
They will be wherever I am.
I need not stay for them or you.
I can always find one again.
My head has tired of this pillow,
My body of this bed.
My eyes have tired of this sky.
My feet of this dead end.
My mind has tired of these thoughts
Of weary discontents.
I try to run, but they catch up
As soon as I tire again.
Goodbye friends.
This is the last time.
I have to. I have to say goodbye. I have to stop looking at the pictures, stop picturing myself in them.
Goodbye.
At some point I have to close the door. I have to stop looking back. It was wonderful, perfect, and now it is done.
Goodbye.
Some are harder than others. Some are surprisingly easy.
One was surprisingly hard. Why did that make me cry? Lost chances, yes. Regret, yes. No, not lost chances. They were there. Untaken chances. Skipped chances. Dismissed chances. I thought the chances would come back around. That I would meet them on the other side. But I never got to the other side, never got the chance again.
Goodbye.
Then an unexpected hello, amongst the goodbyes.
His Irish accent hit my cheek, ‘your beautiful,’ he whispered. His curly hair, his bluegray eyes. My head on his chest, his warm palm on my thigh. A drunken kiss, a dizzy stumble. A playful shove, a teasing smirk. Do you like people? I quite like you.
And then that too turned into a goodbye.
Goodbye.
Perhaps I would have preferred not to see some of them ‘one last time.’ Now that is how I will think of them. Leaning on the wall, lining up for one last hug. Forget that. Remember them laughing and screaming and running and climbing. Remember that.
But for some, that ‘one last time’ wasn’t just a hug goodbye or a ‘good luck, kid’. It was a memory, a wonderful night that I wouldn’t have traded for anything in the world. It was a perfect goodbye. And maybe for those few, this isn’t the last time. I hope to see again those few again, and not just to visit. I hope that my path crosses theirs and we hike together for awhile.
But for now, or forever…
Goodbye.
